“All we as youths have gone astray, and at some point or the other, lost grip of our senses, for we have been caught up in the web of trends”…
It all began like this:
On that fateful day, the golden rays of the sun were coming from the east and the leaves of the trees and small plants moving in such beautiful rhythm to the beats of the gentle breeze as if meaning to say “the good news is yet to be heard, everyone should wait in anticipation for it”. That was when it happened!
A loud cry of pain filled the compound. It was so loud, yet feeble, that it attracted the neighbours. It was one of such pains that brought joy after a few hours of more intense pain. You can guess right already – labour pains. And that was not just any ordinary woman, that was my mother but I couldn’t do anything about it. Yes! I couldn’t. It wasn’t like I had a choice anyway. I just had to watch her bear such pains because I wanted to see what was on the outside. I wanted to be born.
I was born like most other kids – from the fusion of two gametes, unsure of giving required results; the very first stage of my being. Weeks turned into months and the expected anatomical features of every zygote began to emerge. I was growing fast and strong too. Thanks to the umbilical cord connecting my mother and me; my very first precious belonging. It was very precious to me because that was the only thing I didn’t have to demand for or work extra hours to acquire. It was just there, destined to be mine.
The doctor and mid-wives didn’t have a tough time getting me out of that sweet, loving prison because it was my intention to get out fast in order that I caused my mother less pain. And that was how I came into this world.
“Why is this man holding me upside down?” I thought to myself. I wanted to scream “I’m not a chicken! Put me down!” That was when he even beat me on my tiny buttocks with his first two fingers and I cried like a baby. Oh sorry, I forgot, I was actually a baby. *Hehehe* I later got to know that he was the doctor.
After sometime, I noticed that every other baby around was curled up in his/her mothers’ arms sucking sweet milk. Were they trying to make me jealous? Or was that just the reigning thing? So I let out my loudest cry to get myself in my mother’s arms to enjoy what the other babies were enjoying. And successfully, I did.
My craving for the “in-thing” had already begun.
I was growing up very fast into a fat, cute, smart boy and people were loving me for that. I had begun school already. Every day, I’d see my mates with chocolates, assorted sweets and short bread and I would just stare at my own food and not eat. Who needed toast bread and noodles in his lunch box when he could get some money to buy sweets and chocolates in school? I decided to exploit my mum and aunts with my ‘charm’.
I couldn’t have asked my dad for money at that young age. Oh no. “He’ll knock my head and who knows, I might grow an inch shorter”, I must have thought. I would wait patiently for my mum until she had some ‘change’ in her hands and then I’ll ask her for some. She would present me with two offers. One, a N20 note and two, two N5 notes. And to show you how ‘smart’ I was, I would choose the two N5 notes. (Don’t blame me; I didn’t know the value of money then)
Or I would make my eyes look like those of a lost puppy – as cute as they could be – whenever my mum’s sisters visited and before they left, they’d drop of some cash in my pocket. It worked for me; at least most of the time. Fortunately or unfortunately for me, my disciplinarian dad of a man found out my tactics and you can imagine the rest.
(DISCLAIMER: At this point, I think it’s important to state that the “me” in this article is just an “imaginary me” please, not the real me. Don’t get it twisted 😉 )
I was growing into a stubborn and very demanding child, always wanting to have the reigning toys and accessories. One day, it was a calculator-wrist watch, the next, Pokemon school bad or fancy eyeglasses with four lenses. I had even threatened not to resume school the next term if I didn’t get a white canvas with flashy lights on the sole – those ones that radiate different colours of blue red and green when stomped hard on the ground. That attitude earned me the nick name “buy buy” from my mum; which I was proud to answer as long as I got what I wanted. But my dad was always getting in the way! I would hide all my water guns and power rangers under my bed – my safest hiding place.
Nursery school, gone, primary school, gone and then came junior secondary school. I was becoming more and more aware of the fashion trend in school. Everyone was wearing a Nike shoe to school, and of course I wanted one too. The ‘big boys and girls’ managed to smuggle their phones to school and somehow never got caught. Who cared if it was Nokia 3310 or a Motorolla phone? Nobody. Even if it was a Sagem phone or a Samsung phone with large antenna, it wasn’t anybody’s business. As far as you had a phone, you were a big boy because not everyone could afford that luxury. Somehow, I fell into the category that couldn’t afford to have one but hey, I had to be a big boy too.
I simply went home and searched and searched for my dad’s old phone until I found it. The screen was bad but it could still startup. Yes! That was it. My joy knew no bounds. After school, I would put my hand in my pocket, scroll to the tone settings (‘cause I had mastered it) and play one of the tones. I would then pretend to answer a call or at other times, set alarms to go off at specific times and I felt I had arrived. I was finally a ‘big boy’.
I found myself in Senior Secondary school faster than I imagined. And guess what was trending – yeah that’s right – Versace belt, shirt and chains. Somehow I managed to get those in addition to the popular Dr. Dre headphones, Swatch wrist watch and Varsity jacket with snap back to match. I would buy all these with my pocket money and the little money I worked for (I sold stuff to get stuff. Not drugs o!) at the expense of my feeding. Thankfully, I was in a boarding school so my parents were locked out of the fun. I had even acquired an android phone and that meant monthly internet subscription. I must have had ‘big eyes’. What Yorubas would call ‘Oju kokoro’.
Wait a minute! Something’s amiss. Everyone had a girlfriend and I didn’t! Fine boy like me. I had to fix that with immediate effect and guess what, I got the worst-in-the-world type in beautiful skin. Shame on me.
My girlfriend was the reigning girl in school and I was proud to be associated with her but something was seriously wrong with her. She could not even afford to buy N100 (a hundred naira) recharge card yet she wanted me to provide money for the latest Mary Kay Make-up kit. I was ‘managing’ to buy them for her until one day she requested to buy Brazilian hair. No be only Brazilian hair, na Peruvian hair. That was when I knew she was sick upstairs. Did I look like a millionaire’s son to her? Did I look like someone who could rob a bank? Well, for my sake, I found my square root. That day was the last I saw her and the last she heard from me.
*Snaps finger* back to reality please… *We’ve landed*
Have you heard of the latest trend? If you haven’t, then you must be living in the past. C’mon! It’s the new iPhone 6!!! I seriously need to get it at any cost. At least, my neighbour sold out his left kidney last week in exchange for a fairly used one. I’m seriously considering exchanging my brain too. At least, that would get me about three iPhone 6 plus one Samsung galaxy S5.
Earlier this week, I had done my calculations on how to raise funds to get it but something happened. No, no, I didn’t plan to steal an ATM but I cooked up something and then it happened. Wanna find out? Stay connected to me via email. Use the subscription box below.
Hold on, I’m not done yet. Some words for you.
If you’re in the habit of following the crowd at all cost and sucking your parents dry, remember that you’ll have your own kids someday. But if you’ve got the cash, spend it baby! Wisely though. Life is too short to waste time.
But if you haven’t the cash, just chill. Yours will get to you. Na turn by turn.